some jokes

Joke 1
A guy was lost in an african desert. After navigating for 3 days, he still cant find his way out. HE was going to die from thirst and at tt time he saw a tribal man and he asked the tribal man.

"hey, water??? H2O???"

The tribal man is extremely good in english and reply, " hey, Mister, I dont have any water, but i have some nice tie for very cheap price."

Feeling damn thirsty and irritated by the tribal man trying to earn his $$ and not giving him water, the guy continue to find water. Then he saw another tribal man. This tribal man seems more friendly n there he went up and asked for water.

But once again the tribal had no water and end up trying to get the man to buy some ties.

Extremely irritated with the tie-selling tribal man, the guy almost lost all his hope until he saw a Grand Hotel not far away. He gathered all his remaining energy to walk up to the hotel, knowing there must be water inside.

Finally, he reached the hotel. And the doorman told him,

"Mister, NO ENTRY TO THE HOTEL W/O TIE".

Joke 2

One day a doctor, a lawyer and an engineer died in a car accident. And before they were allowed entry into the heaven, Peter asked the three of them, "When you are in your casket and your family and friends are mourning you, what do you like to hear them say about you?"

First, the doctor replies, "I would like to hear them say that I was a great doctor of my time, and a great family man."

Then the lawyer says,"I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and a guy who had delivered justice to the society. bla bla"

Lastly, the engineer says,"I would like to hear them say...... LOOK, HE'S MOVinG!!!!"

Joke 3

A preacher was winding up his temperance sermon with great fervor.

"If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river."

And the congregation cried, "Amen!"

"And if I had all the wine in the world, I'd take it and throw it in the river."

And the congregation cried, "Amen!"

"And if I had all the whiskey and demon rum in the world, I'd take it all and throw it in the river."

And the congregation cried, "Amen!"

The preacher sat down. The deacon stood up.

"For our closing hymn," he announced, "let us turn to page 126 and sing, 'We shall gather at the river'."

Joke 4

Three men: a philosopher, a mathematician and an idiot, were out riding in the car when it crashed into a tree. Before anyone knows it, the three men found themselves standing before the pearly gates of Heaven, where St Peter and the Devil were standing nearby.

"Gentlemen," the Devil started, "Due to the fact that Heaven is now overcrowded, therefore St Peter has agreed to limit the number of people entering Heaven. If anyone of you can ask me a question which I don't know or cannot answer, then you're worthy enough to go to Heaven; if not, then you'll come with me to Hell."

The philosopher then stepped up, "OK, give me the most comprehensive report on Socrates' teachings,"

With a snap of his finger, a stack of paper appeared next to the Devil. The philosopher read it and concluded it was correct.

"Then, go to Hell!" With another snap of his finger, the philosopher disappeared.

The mathematician then asked, "Give me the most complicated formula you can ever think of!"

With a snap of his finger, another stack of paper appeared next to the Devil. The mathematician read it and reluctantly agreed it was correct.

"Then, go to Hell!" With another snap of his finger, the mathematician disappeared, too.

The idiot then stepped forward and said, "Bring me a chair!"

The Devil brought forward a chair.

"Drill 7 holes on the seat."

The Devil did just that.

The idiot then sat on the chair and let out a very loud fart. Standing up, he asked, "Which hole did my fart come out from?"

The Devil inspected the seat and said, "The third hole from the right."

"Wrong," said the idiot, "it's from my asshole." And the idiot went to Heaven.

Joke 5

First-year students at Medical School were receiving their first anatomy class with a real dead human body. They all gathered around the surgerytable with the body covered with a white sheet.The professor started the class by telling them,

"In medicine, it is necessary to have two important qualities as a doctor:The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the human body."

For an example, the professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the corpse, withdrew it and stuck it in his mouth."Go ahead and do the same thing," he told his students.

The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the butt of the dead body and sucking on it.

When everyone finished, the professor looked at them and told them,"The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middlefinger and sucked on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention."